dirty hands.

My hands are dirty from the last few days. Pumpkin spice cupcake making, basil planting, bike ride sweat and grease from a popped tire and a failed attempt to put on my new rack. Last night I had a glass of wine and listened to some mood tunes to slow my pulse and calm my nerves. The reason I have been keeping so busy is to put off unpacking anymore. Not that I do not really have an infinite amount of things to do, but last night, I uncovered notes from a deceased lover as I was trying to find new places for everything to go. It is like I am scared of my own stuff. Maybe that means I should get rid of a good amount of my "stuff," again.

Purging things is a relatively easy process for me when it comes to clothes, shoes, paints, food, tools, bags, trinkets, but when it comes to sentimental items like notes, gifts, books...I can't let go of them. If you have given me a book, a note, a painting or even a string in the last few years... I have it. The little "i love yous," come most honestly and simply in the form of hand painted and glittered pine cones, notes left in bike spokes, and hand-knitted leg warmers. Not that words are not beautiful magical things as well, but as cruel as memory is... small physical bits of lovely memories are a vice of mine. Sometimes years later, it is difficult to remember how an "i love you" from a particular person felt/smelled/tasted, and even if you never forget, you can rest assured that if you do, you can pick up that bit of tile and remember what an "i love you" on a rooftop in Yemen feels like. Or finger a little pressed bluebonnet that she placed in your hair the day she told you she loved you on the side of a highway (right after you made her stop becasue you had to go soooooo baaaaaddd you couldn't wait for the next town) so you never have to forget.

I keep things, becasue when I am old and I open that box of things I've moved around with forever, I can examine them with my wrinkled fingers and feel the rush of love, disappointment, lust, pain, friendship, loneliness, humility, humanity or humiliation that made up my life..just in case the memories of my life really don't flash before my eyes the moment right before I die. Just in case.